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i trust too much, until i give my all.
but still they broke me.
every piece of me.
every part.
dying inside.

but still can standing in front you-
and smiling.
those exactly know me, wonder why suddenly i became quiet.

overthinking kills me.
those panic attack when im afraid.
sweating.
suddenly quiet.
shivering.

this one month,
i meet society.
every single one that pass me by.
bank workers, beggars, person that we think they crazy but they not.
everyone have they own story that keep them doing what they are.

i meet cancer survivor.
a person that look have happy but she are going to remove her uterus because of cancer.
i meet a person that work as a cleaner and losing her mom because cancer, she willing to help poor cancer patient.
i meet a bank workers that always happy with everyone and she like the happiest girl in the world but she was having a tough life with poor family before and losing parents since child.

compare to my story.
my story doesn't seems too big too handle.
its a…
dear babe.
you may have dreams that seems so far away,
just keep God first,
and everything else will fall in place.

forgive everyone.
forget everything.


i trust people too much.

sometimes i got stress over a little things.  seriously, i relieved that there people that said -- are you okay ? its okay. people make mistake. lets start again. ill be here. anytime you need me. i know you have been quiet. you're not you are. i see you change.  and there must be something that bother your mind. its okay. now let it go. let the pain go.

i trust people too much.  take them for granted.  but when it is time for them to protect me. they gone. totally don't bother anything happens to me.
and people said -- you need friends in life. quality over quantity is always the best.
if you know how i can protect/ worries about them,  you will wonder why they still betray me.  you will :))

can i discipline myself ? financial and routine?

hate.

I admit that most of the time i really disappointed with people.  -- including me. my heart fragile most of the time. -- i mean really fragile. -- about anything and everything.
i wonder where myself goes -- the one that everyone outside see.
when i'm alone, i feel that everything i do and said  -- all useless. stupid.  -- i hurt people.
and i hate myself for this.  i hope i run from myself. so, people will not disappointed with me. 
Sometimes, i just desperate for someone to listen, about everything that i really want to say.

ended of first year bachelor.

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Assalamualaikum and haiiiii everyone!
Alhamdulillah. After a long journey until i survive here. currently at University Malaysia Perlis and just ended my first year bachelor's life. getting through this thick and tough journey will make me stronger after this. Even i'm not get opportunity to studies oversea that i admired after a long time, i realize it doesn't care where you study but how you make it clear to your self to survive in this journey.
Just another 2 years more babe. you will make it and graduate. oh my God, i just can't wait! Starting my internship for another 2 weeks after we celebrate Raya Day! really nervous and i don't know what i have to do and really sick thinking of that coming soon! i even didn't excited to celebrate Raya, no new clothes and just wear what i have. i think this is just enough and i really grateful my parents still alive.
oh wait! i decide to share with you my first year journey in university. enjoy!

Wearing my uniform while …

hurts.

assalamualaikum. hi. im back gais. ya, awkward sikit sebab dah lama tak menulis. aku menulis bila aku kecewa abt something or i have something that i cant describe with my words so i write.
im abt stress with my self. feeling unwanted and want go far away from them. i dont know what to say but they dont even understand. i dont like they bother with what i do. 
if they really want me to change. they stay. they show me whats wrong.
im hurts babe.  really. with everything and everyone.